She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
