and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
