where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
