Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
