I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
