you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
