im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
