After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
