Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
