so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
