Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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