I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I could fuck to npr.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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