need another drink. this is the easiest way
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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