I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
