you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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