textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Dicks are not precious.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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