I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
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