And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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