last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
