i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
