dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
