someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
