Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
