I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I just googled if crying burns calories
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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