y did u give ur computer a hand job?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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