just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
