I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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