anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
