Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Operation Purity has been aborted
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
