he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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