Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i love accidental penises.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
