Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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