The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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