Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
