So drunk its hurt
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
