I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
