you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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