But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
