I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
