dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
