drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
