I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
