I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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