i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
The beer is more important than you right now.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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