Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
