She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
