I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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