How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
