$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
