Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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